Healing Microaggressions In Your Relationships

Healing Microaggressions In Your Relationships

The word “microaggression” was coined by Derald Wing Sue, a Columbia University professor. He describes microaggressions as intentional or unintentional behaviors, insults, and indignities which demean, shame, marginalize, or outright intimidate individual groups of people (Planet, M., 2021).

But microaggressions also happen in intimate relationships. For example, calling your partner names that demean their race, ethnicity, culture, neurodiversity, age, sexuality, or gender happen during arguments. All forms of attacking your loved one’s intersectional identities are contemptuous and damaging. This type of behavior often erodes self-esteem, well-being, as well as the relationship as a whole.

Many marginalized groups, Autistic adults included, experience abuse in their relationships. Research indicates that Autistic adults experience more teasing/emotional bullying in adulthood and greater sexual contact victimization. Anecdotal stories from Autistic adults revealed that many have experienced gaslighting as well as being manipulated based on our trustworthiness in their intimate relationships.

The Painful Reality of Being Rejection Sensitive

The Painful Reality of Being Rejection Sensitive

Rejection sensitive dysphoria entails experiencing extreme emotional sensitivity and emotional pain. It often imitates mood disorders with suicidal ideation and can manifest as instantaneous rage at the person responsible for causing the pain (Dodsen & Saline, ADDitudeMag.com, 2022).

Until recently, I didn’t realize how impactful rejection sensitive dysphoria has been all my life as an Autistic person. I was facilitating a Neuro-Different Sexual Recovery group for men and showed this video by Jessica McCabe. As each of the group members shared, some through tears, I began to remember all the times when I have felt extreme emotional and physical pain at either real or perceived rejection to the point that at times I literally wanted to die. Prior to this group and video, I hadn’t quite recognized that the following were some of my experiences of rejection sensitivity since childhood:

  • Feeling like I was going to die after a break up with a friend or intimate partner (e.g., crying inconsolably, chest pain, difficulty breathing, moving, getting up in the morning, sleeping)

  • Wanting to die at feeling rejected by a partner

  • Feeling like I am having an “existential crisis” when someone leaves

  • Avoiding sleep overs, outings, activities with friends

  • Chronic fear of “burdening” others by having needs

  • Assuming I am going to be rejected by colleagues at work so automatically being defensive and ready to argue my points

  • Assuming I am going to be rejected by my partner so going into conversations as though it was a fight

  • Crying after giving an interview on a radio, podcast, or television show-feeling such a huge fear of rejection going into the interview that I brace for impact then cry afterwards

  • Being, feeling defensive when interacting online or in person; when I read feedback-especially because it is hard for me to understand things in writing (e.g., the intention of the other person).

Listening to ND Professionals: A Call to Action

Note: This blog is written using IFS (Internal Family Systems- “parts “) language.

There is a part of me that feels angry and frustrated at larger mental health organizations that continue to perpetuate the Neuro-Majority’s broad-stroke view of human being’s as having the same brains, bodies, and abilities as they have. This seems especially true when those of us have invisible disabilities, e.g., late diagnoses of types of neurodivergence such as Autism, ADD, ADHD.

I am noticing that unless there is a visible disability present, individuals who attend professional trainings (especially mental health trainings) continue to be viewed and taught in the same way, with a “one size fits all” approach. This is not helpful for Neuro-Different (ND) humans, and in fact it perpetuates our trauma of not being seen, understood, really listened to, or having our needs accommodated by larger systems for our entire lives.

To be expected to follow certain prescribed approaches to learning at professional trainings, including having to participate in a certain way, perform tasks, and be a part of small or large group exercises (and share) misses the boat in regards to DEI. I spoke with other ND individuals at a recent (completely overpriced) training we attended and they agreed with me. The continual ignoring of and refusal to accommodate our needs is both dismissive and harmful.

Kindly and respectfully, to larger organizations that train therapists on various therapy models and approaches:

My neurological differences are not “parts” of me. They make up my “HARDWARE.” The parts within me make up my “SOFTWARE.” Burdened parts make up my “SOFTWARE’S VIRUSES.”

Thus, parts may react to the Neuro-Majority’s insensitive response to my hardware of being Autistic, ADHD, Dyspraxic and having specific needs that vary from your way of training helpers. Myself and other ND individuals who are also mental health and medical professionals deserve accommodations by your organizations so that our varied learning styles and need for safety are supported, especially in environments not fit for our specific needs.

My neurological differences (hardware) are also not a form of “mental illness” and my neurological differences do not need to be “cured.” However, the parts that are burdened by past trauma as well as on-going micro-aggressions that I and other ND humans continue to endure from environments that are well-intended but not accommodating of our specific needs DO deserve to heal. Please remember that.

Healing can happen in safe, supportive, accommodating environments.

This blog is a respectful call to action to large medical and mental health organizations that it is time to stop virtue-signaling and time to actually start accommodating those of us who have invisible disabilities; those of us who are Neuro-Different with specific learning and safety needs at your professional trainings.

Listen to our voices, make changes that help us learn, grow, and heal so that we can help others.

Thank you.

Yuck Vs. Yum: Exploring Sexual Sensory Experiences

IF I WERE TO WRITE EVERYTHING IN THIS BLOG IN ALL CAPS YOU MIGHT FEEL LIKE I AM SHOUTING AT YOU-LIKE I AM PERHAPS BEING TOO INTENSE, RIGHT? I know I would feel that way.

This is what it is like for many of us who are Autistic and ADHD/ADD being in the world that has everything turned up really loud, bright, with a lot of people, different smells, etc… Life feels like it is on over-drive….

For many Autistic and ADD/ADHD adults, our nervous systems often reside in sympathetic arousal in environments like this, where life is TOO MUCH: too loud, too many people, too intense of touch or other sensation, too bright, too much information. This is often the case inside the bedroom as much as outside the bedroom…

How to Talk about Sex as an ND Couple...

It’s not a secret that sex is taboo. Because of the social and religious views that have pervasively permeated through every culture, hardly anyone wants to talk about sex. And yet, when parents and loved ones find out that their child, teen or partner is either viewing it or worse, has become addicted to pornography, there is a social uproar followed by outreach, conferences, podcasts, news articles, social media posts and organizations pop up everywhere in an effort to address and “prevent” this social epidemic.

Masking and Sex....

I used to fake orgasms with men and women. I was in my 20s and 30s, but still. I didn’t feel safe to ask for what felt good, or what I wanted or liked. So I went along with the other person and faked it. Even with sex I had learned to mask aspects or parts of me.

But let’s be honest-everyone fakes orgasm at one time or another (or most times) in their lives. As an Autistic person who has struggled with knowing the intentions of others, particularly men, when it came to sex I used to fake a lot of things.

The Importance of "Stimming"

I love to stim.

I have engaged in sensory seeking behavior, including self stimulatory behavior, or “stimming” since I was a toddler. However, back in the 70’s my family just thought I had weird quirks. For instance, I sucked on a pacifier (my beloved “binky”) until I was 5 years old. I loved the smell and taste of my binky and was devastated when my dad threw it away. He didn't know I was autistic at the time and just figured it was time to get rid of a bad habit. Once my binky was gone, I continued to repeatedly press my nose into my lip, especially when I was anxious, and to feel the sensation and smell of my saliva. I found the repetitive motion rather soothing. Sure, it sounds weird or even gross to some, but for me, I didn’t think much about it. I still don’t. At almost 50 years old, I still engage in this specific stim behavior when I am anxious and it calms me down and helps me focus. Thankfully my partner is accepting of my stims-they also help him know how I am feeling in certain situations or settings.

Stimming makes sense to me as an autistic person. However, for a lot of people, including other autistic individuals, they don’t see how “stimming” for an autistic person is any different from a non-autistic person fidgeting with something or laying under a soft blanket. My response to any confusion around stimming is this:

Stimming is foundational to an autistic individual; the repetitive motions, movements or sounds are how we focus, concentrate, feel calm and emotionally regulated in environments that constantly create sensory overwhelm and unpredictability. Autistic individuals may stim intensely if we are especially stressed out by people, places, or things in our environment (e.g. bright fluorescent lights, loud noises, too many people, conflict, change in schedule or routine, smells, certain sounds, things that cause tactile defensiveness).

Please Stop Pathologizing Your Autistic Loved One (or Clients)

Please Stop Pathologizing Your Autistic Loved One (or Clients)

As an autistic woman, a licensed clinician, and an autism specialist with close to 20 years experience in the mental health arena, I have become a resource to autistic adults, as well as many parents of autistic adults and teens. When parents reach out to me, they are often desperate to find accurate treatment and/or resources for their autistic sons who have a variety of sexual behavior and preferences. Some have ended up legally involved (which I will discuss in a future blog post). Naturally, I end up providing parents with education around the complexities of autism and sexuality.

Before I continue, I want you to know that if you are a parent of an autistic teen or adult reading this, I have a ton of compassion for you! You have likely been fighting for your child’s rights in an educational system that still doesn’t understand the complex ways in which autism spectrum is expressed. Sadly, I hear this from too many parents- that their autistic teen has been labeled as a “behavior problem” or is considered “lazy” or antisocial and put in a behavioral unit with the rest of the “troubled” youth. If I am working with parents of an autistic adult, the story is the same-on-going misdiagnoses, mistreatment, and A LOT of useless pathologizing by well-meaning but uninformed psychologists, psychiatrists, school administrators, social workers, and if, in the unfortunate circumstance one’s teen or adult ends up legally involved, attorneys.

Autistic Adults & Stuffed Animals

Autistic Adults & Stuffed Animals

I received a call from a licensed psychologist in a different country who had been working with a young autistic man who was viewing pornography that had evolved way beyond “vanilla.” He had recently purchased a life-sized stuffed animal and had found a way to be sexually intimate with it. He lived with his parents who were horrified to find out about his behavior. They called him a sociopath and a predator. The psychologist was incredibly empathetic to this autistic young man and sought my consultation for guidance on how to proceed with both he and his parents.

Upon gathering more information, I found out that like so many of us on the autism spectrum, this young man had been bullied for years about being weird, awkward, and different from his peers. His last relationship with a female included him losing his virginity and feeling exceptionally close to her during sex. His loneliness and isolation had increased as a result of their break up and he continued to be rejected on dating sites. He figured that a body size stuffed animal, similar to a body pillow, would give him the comfort and intimacy he needed minus the rejection. He found creative ways to be sexual with the stuffed animal thinking he wasn’t doing any harm.

There is a lot to unpack in this story but my point in telling it is not to provide blog consultation per se as much as it is to normalize a lot of what is going on for this young autistic man and for so many autistic individuals. I, like many autistic individuals I have talked to over the past 20 years, have felt alone and isolated since childhood. We have grown up in a non-autistic world that assumes communication, pragmatics, speech, language, intimacy, sex, and connection are all common sense things that everyone will just pick up on. Not true.

I Am Autistic...

I AM AUTISTIC.

Yep, that is me. Autistic! It’s taken me over 40 years to accept this. Autism makes up every ounce of my being. It impacts the way I speak, hear and understand information, and if, when, and how I talk to people. It impacts all of my relationships, friendships, and working relationships. It affects my ability to focus, remember things, stay organized and complete tasks. It affects my ability to recognize and understand other people. It affects my ability to be present and pay attention to other people who are talking and sharing about the things they enjoy (I would rather focus on my special interests).

I have been nervous to share my story for quite some time. In fact, I have been terrified of sharing it for years. I have done my best to “mask” my autistic traits and to appear normal (as if there is such a thing). I have mimicked other people’s style (e.g., makeup, hair, clothing, the way they speak and act around others) in an effort to fit in with those around me. This has worked quite well professionally, however, personally I have been told by friends that I seem like a chameleon who shape shifts depending on what friends I am around. Oh, and speaking of friends, it’s not like I have a lot. I have struggled since early childhood with friendships. The main reason is that I don’t understand all the social nuances and rules around friendship. I am literal, blunt, struggle with understanding others’ perspectives, and I tend to be honest to a fault. All of this combined has historically pissed off most of my female friends, which has resulted in our friendships ending, sometimes rather abruptly. I have also been easily manipulated by friends and romantic partners, which is all too common for autistic individuals. I, as well as most of the autistic adults I know, are incredibly friendly. However, because many of us are socially awkward and struggle in various social settings, sometimes we will say or do things we don’t actually want to say or do simply to fit in.

Why write A blog about autism and related topics?