Interviewer: Candice, who are you?

Candice: What a loaded question!

I am a lot of things. I am an autistic woman late diagnosed a few years ago. I am also a twin. I am almost 50 years old -wow, time flies! I am really coming into my own in terms of appreciating and loving ALL of me. That has been quite the journey because I have been so critical of myself all my life. I love to create things particularly when it comes to my business (I am the Founder, Clinical Director of an internationally known program called Namaste Center For Healing-check us out!), I love to write, connect with other neurodivergent humans, and exercise-exercise brings me a lot of calmness and peace. I have been with my partner (hubby) Chris for 11 years. My cat is a primary sensory soothing snuggle bug. I am also the proud step mom of 3 beautiful and brilliant adult women who bring Chris and I so much joy. We spend most of our time in Utah and Maui.

Professionally, I am a licensed clinician in Utah and have been a trauma, relationship, and intimacy “sexpert” (sex-expert) with 20 years experience working with various populations: women and children who survived domestic abuse, autistic children, pregnant and parenting teens, neurologically different individuals who sexually offended, adults diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, children who survived trauma, neurologically different adults with addictions and multiple sexual and intimacy issues, individuals and couples struggling to heal from infidelity, betrayed partners, individuals with complex trauma, and mixed and same neurotype couples with a variety of relationship, intimacy, and sexual issues. I provide consultation to individuals, couples, as well as medical and mental health providers all over the world as there is such a need for this type of short-term, goal based guidance and intimacy life skills. I also provide life skills web based classes for neurodifferent adults.

Interviewer: What inspired you to become an Autism Consultant, among the other things you do as a clinician?

Candice: No one was talking about Autism and sex unless it was negative. There are so many false assumptions made-mostly by non-Autistic professionals about Autistic individuals specifically not wanting or enjoying sex. This is not true. Autistic and neurodifferent individuals are human beings with needs, wants, and desires too. Our differences don’t automatically make us asexual. Finding individuals and cultivating relationships that are accepting of our differences can at times be challenging based on the deeply embedded stereotypes about Autism. I have met individuals who assume I can’t possibly be Autistic because I am articulate, attractive, give eye contact, and am married (?!). This presumes that Autistic individuals are unattractive (?!), we can’t articulate ourselves, and can’t be in intimate relationships. This is hugely insulting to all of us. How is this kind of comment about the Autism Neuro-Culture still ok when talking about other cultures isn’t? And yes, I view Autism as being a Neuro-Culture because how we speak, understand, process and behave in the world is very distinct and different from the “neuro-majority”. This doesn't make us less, deficient, or abnormal. It makes us beautifully different via our neurological differences.

Interviewer: What is one piece of advice you want to give individuals and mixed or same neurotype couples about intimacy and sex?

Candice: Great question! Well, first, intimacy is NOT all about sex; it’s often mistaken as being all about sex but intimacy is so much more. Intimacy is about connecting and vulnerability; finding ways to connect with other humans in a non-sexual way can create a sense of intimacy or closeness. An example of this is snuggling with my partner Chris on our couch watching a tv show we love, or holding hands on a walk. With the latter, however, holding his hand sometimes feels too electric (sensory overload) so I can’t do it for long. Feeling other people’s energy can overwhelm my highly sensitive system. But back to intimacy… this can also involve sharing something that is vulnerable for me and having him listen and validate me as I share. Being seen, heard, known and understood is really important to so many Autistic adults because we have been disregarded in so many settings starting when we were young.

Can anyone learn how to connect on an intimate level? YES. Having neurological differences doesn’t impede this. For me, I need reminders sometimes from Chris to hold space for him, which means, listen and validate him as he shares. The way my brain works is I want to do/fix when I hear of an issue. But Chris at times just needs my support via listening and validating. We have an agreement that if he says, “I need you to hold space for me right now” which is a script that reminds me to do this for him. Clear communication also creates connection for me. Nuanced communication for most Autistic adults creates a lot of frustration.

Interviewer: You discuss Sensory Sex and a sexual sensory profile in your e-book: “Autism and Sensory Sex: Enjoying Sexual Pleasure by Connecting to Your Sexual Experience.” Can you explain that more?

Sure! There has been an assumption for years that all Autistic people are asexual and don’t like sex. Based on the neuro-normative views of sex, there is a lot of flawed thinking. Sex is a very personal, sensual and beautiful experience that first gets to involve ourselves understanding our own bodies. Based on people’s cultural and religious beliefs, many people don’t have a connection with their bodies, or there is a lot of shame and embarrassment about sex and one’s body. But if we discuss sex clinically we know that every human being has a sexual arousal template which evolves over time. One’s sexual arousal template involves their sensory experience. This includes things we like (Yum!), dislike (Ew, Yuck!), find pleasurable, stimulating, arousing, enjoyable… or not. For me, certain smells turn me off (e.g., bad breath) or turn me on (yummy cologne/perfume). Also, I like pressure not soft touch; for example, I hate to be tickled and I need a firm massage. I also prefer soft lighting, and prefer no music or music without lyrics. Some people need the temperature of the room to be warmer or cooler, and prefer certain lubricants over others due to their sensory needs. Our sexual sensory profiles are different for everyone, not just Neurodifferent humans. Finding a common language for communicating anything including our needs sensually and sexually in our relationship is imperative to having a fulfilling non-sexual and sexual relationship. I encourage individuals and couples to avoid making any assumptions when it comes to sex; to be lovingly direct and open in discussing what it is each person wants, desires, needs, wishes for, likes and don’t like.

For Autistic individuals, and same or mixed neurotype couples who are struggling, I am here to help you gain clarity to make your relationship, intimacy, and sexual sensory profile as enjoyable, wonderful, and pleasurable as possible!