I received a call from a licensed psychologist in a different country who had been working with a young autistic man who was viewing pornography that had evolved way beyond “vanilla.” He had recently purchased a life-sized stuffed animal and had found a way to be sexually intimate with it. He lived with his parents who were horrified to find out about his behavior. They called him a sociopath and a predator. The psychologist was incredibly empathetic to this autistic young man and sought my consultation for guidance on how to proceed with both he and his parents.
Upon gathering more information, I found out that like so many of us on the autism spectrum, this young man had been bullied for years about being weird, awkward, and different from his peers. His last relationship with a female included him losing his virginity and feeling exceptionally close to her during sex. His loneliness and isolation had increased as a result of their break up and he continued to get rejected on dating sites. He figured that a body size stuffed animal, similar to a body pillow, would give him the comfort and intimacy he needed minus the rejection. He found creative ways to be sexual with the stuffed animal thinking he wasn’t doing any harm.
There is a lot to unpack in this story but my point in telling it is to normalize a lot of what is going on for this young autistic man and for so many autistic individuals. I, like many autistic individuals I have talked to over the past 20 years, have felt alone and isolated since childhood. We have grown up in a non-autistic world that assumes communication, pragmatics, speech, language, intimacy, sex, and connection are all common sense things that everyone will just pick up on. Not true.
Many autistic individuals, regardless of our age, get easily overwhelmed by the chaos and unpredictability that occurs in our every day lives-especially this year!. Our environment is often too noisy and there is too much continual change- even a slight change in our routine or the plan for the day can be too much. There might be too many people around us, or it might be too bright in the room; I know that bright lights cause me to have an immediate melt down. Many autistic individuals, myself included, turn to objects such as stuffed animals for comfort and to regulate our emotions, particularly anxiety. Stuffed animals often provide a sense of security and sensory regulation, which helps many autistic adults feel grounded in our bodies. Stuffed animals can fulfill this role particularly well since they can be held, cuddled, and some stuffed animals are even weighted (I have two) which provides autistic individuals with a sense of calm (TheZooFactory, 2019).
Getting back to the young autistic man whose psychologist reached out to me for consultation. I first commended her for being compassionate and open minded with him, which I believed allowed him to trust her enough to share as much as he did during their initial appointment (he had admitted to lying to his parents about his behavior which I suggested was likely due to his fear of being judged-I get it!). I suggested she create a calming environment (if in person) so that he can feel grounded and focused in her office. I also suggested that she provide trauma-informed therapy (e.g., EMDR or similar) at his pace to assist him in healing his history of being chronically bullied, as well as work with him on finding ways to alleviate his loneliness (this can take time and be challenging especially during a pandemic, but it is possible). I encouraged her to explore his recent relationship break up, his experience with sex, and his desire for cuddling and touch to feel loved and comforted. I encouraged her to normalize that is is common for humans to need and desire touch with and from another person. I also encouraged her to normalize his desire to seek out comfort via his life size stuffed animal especially after feeling rejected online post break up. Similarly, I suggested she educate the parents on needing to become more informed of the many beautiful complexities of autism. Specifically, that certain behaviors are not automatically deviant (sexually or otherwise) but rather, a means of how autistic individuals self soothe and cope in an incredibly chaotic and unpredictable world, especially if and when we feel rejected, isolated and alone-which can be often!
If you are reading this and are a parent, educator, therapist, or other professional, I encourage you to ask yourself, “What is the big deal with stuffed animals for an autistic person, regardless of age?” Can you take out the judgment and allow those of us that are autistic to be comforted by a stuffed animal when we feel overwhelmed, lonely, desire connection, or feel anxious? Can using a stuffed animal, similar to a body pillow, be a helpful way to create a sense of calm and comfort to an anxious and lonely autistic adult? Does there have to be an age limit to using stuffed animals for non-sexual or even sexual comfort?
I realize that the latter part of the last question may cause some of you to wince for various reasons. But the reality is that some autistic adults may seek out inanimate objects for sexual purposes because they don’t have to worry about any rejection or judgment, or all the challenges that come with communication, or having to navigate subtle social or sexual cues. I am not encouraging this, I am just saying it is pretty common for some autistic teens and adults to do this for the reasons stated above. I am also a big proponent of sex education, life skill building, and therapeutic support for autistic adults including practicing both social skills and ways of achieving real-life human intimacy and connection. Finally, I whole-heartedly believe that finding a non-judgmental autism specialist/expert and/or a therapist who has ample experience working with autistic adults or is humble enough to seek out consultation by an autism expert is key.
Next up….a blog post on furry fandom and Therianthropy among Autistic teens and adults.
Stay tuned!
Candice