As an autistic woman, a licensed clinician, and an autism specialist with close to 20 years experience in the mental health arena, I have become a resource to many autistic adults, their spouses, and parents of autistic loved ones. When parents or partners reach out to me, they are often desperate to find accurate treatment and/or resources for their autistic loved one who has one or more sexual behaviors and/or preferences that the parent or spouse finds alarming. Some autistic individuals end up legally involved based on sexual behavior (which I will discuss in a future blog post). During our calls, I do my best to offer compassion, support, insight, and education around the complexities of autism, sexual behavior, sexuality, and sexual preferences.
Before I continue, I want you to know that if you are a parent or partner of an autistic person, I have a ton of compassion for you! Parents, you have likely been fighting for your child’s rights in an educational system that even in 2020, still doesn’t seem to understand the complex ways in which autism spectrum is expressed. Sadly, I hear this from too many parents- that their autistic teen has been labeled as a “behavior problem” or is considered “lazy” or antisocial and put in a behavioral unit with the rest of the “troubled” youth. If I am working with parents of an autistic adult, the story is the same- (years of) misdiagnoses, maltreatment by schools and professionals, over-medication, and a lot of pathologizing by well-meaning but uninformed psychologists, psychiatrists, school administrators, social workers, and if, in the unfortunate circumstance one’s teen or adult ends up legally involved, attorneys.
The word pathologize, according to the google dictionary, means “to regard or treat (someone or something) as psychologically abnormal or unhealthy” (google, 2020). Along with hearing professionals pathologize autistic individuals, I often hear many loving and concerned parents unintentionally pathologize their autistic loved one by saying the following (or something similar): That their autistic teen’s stimming behavior (stimming is self-stimulatory behavior) was “deviant”, that their autistic teen or adult son who wants to dress up in a furry costume, or believes they are half animal (therianthropic) is concerning (I have heard parents even describe this as, “sick and twisted”), or that their adult son who wants to wear women’s under-garments was potentially “perverted” and needed to be evaluated. After hearing parents talk in this way about their autistic loved one, my response is, “Please delete from your vocabulary words like ‘deviant’, ‘sick and twisted’, and ‘perverted etcetera’ when it comes to talking about your teen’s or adult child’s behavior or interests.” I then remind them that it’s crucial they learn about all the ways autism is expressed so that they are able to advocate accurately for their child’s rights school and legal settings, especially if their autistic child is an adult.
Similarly, assuming that an autistic teen or adult child intentionally acts in ways that hurt you or others, including that we lack empathy and present in ways resembling a sociopath or psychopath, is uninformed (and offensive). Autistic people actually feel things rather intensely and we DO have empathy. Sometimes we may not know how to express how we feel, but it doesn’t mean that we are void of feelings. Communication and connection is a 2-way street, but often the burden to communicate like the neuromajority falls on the Autistic person which is completely unfair.
Let’s get back to the tendency for parents and professionals to unintentionally pathologize autistic teens or adults, specifically when it comes to their sexual behavior and preferences. Conflating an autistic person’s sexual interests or behaviors with being a form of sexual deviancy (e.g., predatory, sexual offending when it is not) is not only uninformed but again, offensive to autistic individuals. Just because an autistic person engages in what you consider to be “bizarre” (e.g., you may think that them wearing a furry costume of being therianthropic is wildly bizarre) or different regarding their interests (e.g., they express a desire to dress in women’s clothing, or they enjoy being tied up or engaging in bondage as part of their sexual behavior), doesn’t mean they are automatically sexually deviant, a sex offender, or even dangerous. These behaviors may be different from what you think is “normal”, but they are NOT deviant. I realize that for some of you reading this, you may disagree with me. You may say that it goes against your religious views or your value system. However, from a clinical standpoint, it is different but it is not deviant. Different IS ok.
Granted, some autistic teens or adults may be exposed to sexual images (e.g., porn) or masturbate in places that are not appropriate, such as during school or at work. This may be the result of feeling sensory overload in their environments which can cause serious issues. This is often not taken into consideration as much as it should be by non-autistic people including the adults in an autistic person’s life. Most autistic people admit to struggling with significant sensory sensitivities which at times can result in what have been called melt downs, shut downs, or in some cases, like all humans may do at times, acting inappropriately (e.g., getting aggressive, viewing porn/masturbating in places or at times that are socially inappropriate-lunchroom at school, at one’s desk at work) or acting-in in ways that are harmful (e.g., head banging, cutting, other forms of self harm). In case you are unfamiliar with the various sensory sensitivities that autistic individuals struggle with, here are some examples: Some autistic people struggle when they are in crowds of people (e.g. a mall), or we may have a negative reaction if the lights are too bright or there is too much noise (too loud), or we may have a strong aversion to places with certain smells. We may also struggle with certain tastes and textures (e.g., tastes and textures of food or the way certain clothing feels). Along with this, information dumping (getting bombarded with information when we just want a simple “yes” or “no” for instance), change-in our routines, our schedule, or any sort of “plan” can throw us off for a moment, an hour or the entire day. The latter is quite common for many people (change in routines can throw a lot of people off of their rhythm).
Therefore, instead of automatically pathologizing an autistic teen or adult if/when you find out that they have any of the behaviors or interests (or similar) I have discussed, please get to know them from a curious place. Learn more about autism and the various ways in which it is expressed. We each express our traits in distinct and beautifully unique ways. Reach out to people like myself or another autism specialist or expert in your area and get consultation on how to best support your teen or adult autistic child in their environment.
Along with this, it is important to seek out professionals and programs that are equipped and trained to provide accurate support for autistic individuals Getting the support from a community that understands your autistic loved ones interests, even if you don’t like what they are interested in, is also ok. For instance, if you autistic loved one wants to be part of the furry community and wear a costume-is there really any harm in that? Maybe they feel safer wearing a costume (have you ever thought of that?). It is, after all pretty challenging being autistic in an allistic (non-autistic) world.
Remember, autism is beautiful and incredibly multifaceted. Most if not all of us who are autistic already have been stigmatized, judged and labeled for years! The last thing we need is to be pathologized by our parents, loved ones, and/or our therapist. So please, I beg you, stop pathologizing your autistic teen, your autistic adult child, or your autistic client.
You owe it to us (and yourself) to humanize and honor our neurodivergence. Perhaps in doing that, you will begin to honor your own complexities, especially since no one, and I mean NO ONE, is neurotypical.
C~
References:
Google Dictionary. (2020). Pathologize. Found via the internet.
Baron-Cohen, S. (2001). Theory of mind in normal development and autism. Prisme.34, 174-183.