Interviewer: Candice, who are you?
Candice: What a loaded question!
I am a lot of things. I am an autistic woman late diagnosed a few years ago. I am also a twin. I am almost 50 years old -wow, time flies! I am really coming into my own in terms of appreciating and loving ALL of me. That has been quite the journey because I have been so critical of myself all my life. I love to create things particularly when it comes to my business (I am the Founder, Clinical Director of an internationally known program called Namaste Center For Healing-check us out!), I love to write, connect with other neurodivergent humans, and exercise-exercise brings me a lot of calmness and peace. I have been with my partner (hubby) Chris for 11 years. We have an old fur baby who is my precious baby boy. I am also the proud step mom of 3 beautiful and brilliant adult women who bring Chris and I so much joy. We spend most of our time in Utah, Maui and Florida.
Professionally, I am a licensed clinician in Utah and have been a trauma, relationship, and intimacy “sexpert” (sex-expert) with close to 20 years experience working with various populations: women and children who survived domestic abuse, autistic children, pregnant and parenting teens, neurodivergent individuals who sexually offended, adults diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, children who survived trauma, neurodivergent adults with addictions and multiple sexual and intimacy issues, individuals and couples struggling to heal from infidelity, betrayed partners, individuals with complex trauma, and mixed and same neurotype couples with a variety of relationship, intimacy, and sexual issues. I have begun to provide intimacy coaching and consultation to individuals and couples all over the world as there is such a need for this type of short-term, goal based guidance and intimacy life skills. I also provide life skills web based classes for neurodivergent adults.
Interviewer: What inspired you to become an Autism Sexpert, among the other things you do as a clinician and coach?
Candice: No one was talking about autism and sex unless it was negative. There are so many false assumptions made-mostly by non-autistic professionals- about autistic individuals specifically not wanting or enjoying sex. This is not true. Autistic and neurodivergent individuals are human beings with needs, wants, and desires too. Our differences don’t automatically make us asexual. Finding individuals and cultivating relationships that are accepting of our differences can at times be challenging based on the deeply embedded stereotypes about autism. I have met individuals who assume I can’t possibly be autistic because I am articulate and attractive. This presumes that autistic individuals are unattractive (?!) and can’t articulate ourselves. This is hugely insulting to all of us. How is this kind of comment still ok when talking about other cultures isn’t? And yes, I view autism as being an autistic culture-we speak, understand, process and behave in distinct ways, different from the neuro-majority. This doesn't make us less, deficient, or abnormal. It makes us beautifully different via our neurological differences.
Interviewer: What is one piece of advice you want to give individuals and mixed or same neurotype couples about intimacy and sex?
Candice: Great question! Well, first, intimacy is NOT all about sex; it’s often mistaken as being all about sex but intimacy is so much more. Intimacy is about connecting and vulnerability; finding ways to connect with other humans in a non-sexual way can create a sense of intimacy or closeness. An example of this is snuggling with my partner Chris on our couch or holding hands on a walk. It’s also sharing something that is raw and vulnerable for me and having him listen and validate me as I share. These are examples of intimacy-ways to connect vulnerably. Can anyone learn this? YES. Having neurological differences doesn’t impede this. For me, I need reminders sometimes from Chris to hold space for him, which means, listen and validate him as he shares. The way my brain works is I want to do/fix when I hear of an issue. But Chris at times just needs my support via listening and validating. We have an agreement that if he says, “I need you to hold space for me right now” I know to do that.
Sex is a very personal, sensual and beautiful experience between one person and their own body, 2 people, or a group of people, if that is what people fancy. Every human has a sexual arousal template that evolves, including things we like, dislike, find enjoyable or not. For me, certain smells turn me off (e.g., bad breath) or turn me on (yummy cologne/perfume). Also, I like pressured touch not soft touch (I hate to be tickled unless I know it is coming); I need soft lighting and prefer no music. I can tolerate bodily fluids to a point. But this is different for everyone, not just neurodivergent humans. Finding a common language for communicating anything including our needs sensually and sexually in our relationship so that everyone feels seen, heard, known, and understood is imperative to having a fulfilling relationship. I encourage individuals and couples to avoid making any assumptions when it comes to sex; be direct and open in discussing what it is you want, desire, need, wish for, like and don’t like. And remember, porn is not intimacy or sex (that is a whole other topic!).